Questions and FAQ

"I do not like my life. I do not like where I am physically or emotionally.  I am stuck.  How can I change?"

If this is your question, you come to the right place. While I cannot change you I can teach you how to change yourself.

However, you are absolutely, totally powerful enough to change yourself.

A good therapist does not give you answers!  Therapists will help you discover and look at your options. they will help you understand how you are designed to operate so that your life journey will be much easier.

In the Article Section, you will find many articles that can help you with issues of depression, anxiety, anger, relationships, and even sex. If you are stuck send me an email with your question.

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Frequently Asked Questions:

**How do I change my wife?

You cannot make anyone change. However, your power is in that you can change yourself. Often conflict we have is that others are unwilling to live up to our expectations. Who said that people should live up to your expectations? Before you try and manipulating, demanding, or threatening, you might try sitting down with the person and figuring out what your expectations are for each other. In the handouts section, you will find the exercise Tell Me Your Anger. That might help reduce the conflict so that you can start doing problem-solving.

**My husband is a yeller and screamer. When he gets angry, I  shut down, which makes them more furious. Should I leave my husband?

Do you know what the opposite of love is? If you said hate, then I understand what is so scary and threatening about his anger. The opposite of love is indifference, not caring. Hate is just a degree of anger. Have you noticed that you get the angriest most at the people you love the most? I guess you come from a family that never raised its voices, and he comes from a family where yelling was quite acceptable. You both might want to make some changes. Anger has never gotten anyone into trouble, and no one is ever gone to jail for being angry. It is how you express the anger that gets you into trouble. Most divorces occur in marriages where one person gets angry, and the other person shuts down or emotionally or physically leaves. Check out the articles on anger in the library section.

**Ever since I had my first child, I have been depressed.  I feel like a failure as a wife and a mother. I should not feel this way. My mother-in-law is here three days a week to help me with the children. I just want to sleep and make the world go away, which makes me feel guilty. 

You sound like a very angry woman. At the same time, you may not be aware of any anger because of the depression being so overwhelming.

It also sounds like you have a lot of “I shoulds” that you think “you should” be doing. When you have a lot of “I shoulds” you make yourself miserable and depressed. I am guessing that your mother-in-law, while well being helpful, is reinforcing in your mind that you are not capable, which is making you angry. The other feeling that stands out is that of guilt. Whenever you feel guilty, you will set yourself up to be punished—what better way to punish yourself than by being depressed.

I suggest that your guilt is irrational. Find a therapist who is not afraid of their own anger or yours. And who will help you look at your beliefs creating your feelings of guilt.

**I am a very anxious and nervous person. I am 26 years old female and have a LARGE startle response. Any unexpected noise or even a gentle touch will make me jump out of my skin. My boyfriend and my close friends hate when I do that because it scars them. This started when I was in the sixth or seventh grade. Yes, I was molested, but that was a long time ago, and I work through it by myself.

I hate to tell you this, but you have not worked through that part of the molest. There was a time in your life where a large startle response was protecting you. Now, it has become your enemy.

Let me suggest that you get your friends and your boyfriend together. Talk about how they can help you by, at the very first, walking up to you noisily and gently touching you. You get through fear by doing what you are afraid to do. Gradually increase the unexpected element of the encounter.

For instance, start by having someone in front of you drop a book. Then have someone to the side of you drop a book. Then have someone behind you drop a book. This is called desensitization.

It sounds like some part of you still sees yourself as a victim. You might try some self-defense classes visualizing yourself this time as a strong person defending yourself. Also, find your voice, the strong adult one, not the child. If your boyfriend is up to it, maybe he would play the molester, and you would use your voice to stop him. See if you can scare him just with your voice.