WHY, WHY, WHY!
                                   
                           Why, oh why, oh why, oh why?
                                          Why, oh why, oh why?
                            Because because because because
                                   Goodbye goodbye goodbye
                                                Woody Guthrie 

What is your four-year-old child’s favorite question? Why? Who did they learn it from?

Woody Guthrie learned something many therapists and parents have never understood. Do not ask “why” questions!

There is a category of questions that you should avoid as much as possible. That category is the why questions.

• Why did you do that? • Why didn't you tell someone? • Why don't you want to go to school?

• Why don't you want to talk to me?
• Why didn't you come over to the house last Sunday?
•  Why doesn't the boss like you?
• Why do you fight so much? >>> You should not fight so much!
• Why don't you lose weight?>>> You should lose weight.
• Why do you smoke?>>> You should not smoke.

NOT one of these "questions" is a question! They are camouflaged "Should" statements.

"Should" statements, whether camouflaged or not, tend to make people defensive. Often, they will shut down and not talk. Why questions also divert you from getting to the core issues that keep people stuck.

Why's get lies. For example: “Why do you smoke?” "Because it tastes good." "Does every cigarette that you smoke taste good?" "No." "Do you keep smoking it anyway?" "Yes." "Then it is a lie. You would have put it out if you were smoking because it tastes good, and it didn't taste good." "So, why do you smoke?" "Because it relaxes me." "Does every cigarette you smoke relax you?"    "No." 
“Why” Questions Get Rationalizations. And so it goes—each new why question gets another rationalization/lie.

Is there a way to get the information that would be helpful and not ask why?

Note what happens when you change the question to, "What does smoking do for you?" "It burns holes in my clothes. It makes me smell like an ashtray, shortens my life, and gets me to spend money that could be spent in better ways." Now that is the truth! The only question left is, "How long do you want to keep burning holes in your clothes, smell like an ashtray and shorten your life?" . . . . .

Cognitive Affect Behavioral Therapy, CABT.  An EQ approach to doing therapy. When did it start?. .

CABT started in 1972, The foundation. . . 

                                         Chapter 1
                               INTRODUCTION to CABT,
Cognitive > Affective > Behavioral Therapy


What Is Mental Health? It is important to have some concept of what mental health is to be able to measure progress or to know if we are successful. If we are not sure in our minds what the goals of mental health are, then there can be a doubt on what behaviors should be changed and what behaviors should be left alone, what attitudes should be changed and what attitudes, beliefs, and values should be accepted. If we are not sure where we are going, we are liable to end up someplace else!

In attempting to define mental health in operational terms, several underlying assumptions will be stated as givens: first, all behavior is learned except for the autonomic responses such as sneezing eye blinking, and stomach growling. Second, all attitudes are learned. Third, what is learned can be unlearned.

At this point, we have some idea that we are in the learning and unlearning business, but it is still pretty unclear what is to be learned and what is to be left alone and what is to be unlearned. Most of our theories of personality change are derived from the experiences of this author. Sigmund Freud found that when he did certain things, his patients seem to get better, so in a very general way, we can say that Freud used the techniques which, in his opinion, worked. He integrated these techniques into a personality theory that would explain why his techniques “worked.” Throughout his life Freud was constantly modifying and changing his theories depending on the success or failure of the technique that he tried. The same can be said for all personality theorists such as Ellis, Rogers, Perls, or Skinner.

To look at these theories or listen to their authors leaves the impression that each man was working on a different species of mankind. For instance, Pearl states, “it took us a long time to deep bunk the whole Freudian crap. . . .” Skinner, on the other hand, feels it the behavior that is important while Ellis, with his Rational Emotive Therapy, takes a more cognitive didactic approach. Each man, in turn, claims success, claims that his theory “works” and can specifically prove that people have been helped to change their behavior to his personality theory that each put forth.

The problem we face is which theory is correct? Since all these theories work to some degree. How can mutually exclusive theories all produce beneficial behavioral change?

A closer look is needed in the area of each man’s theory. Freud and Ellis to a large degree, deal in the area of cognition, insight therapy, and new educational material. Rogers and pearls seem to be concerned with the emotions and feelings and man’s awareness of the feelings in himself the tend to view man as self-actualizing when placed in a safe environment. Skinner, on the other hand, tends to deal with more behavioral types of responses, things acquired through habit, and learn through poor conditioning.



TECHNIQUES THEORIES FOCUS ELLIS Didactic FREUD Insight PERLS Awareness ROGERS Positive Regard SKINNER Stimulus-Response

What emerges then are the three basic areas from which man can be therapeutically reached: 1) cognitive, 2) behavioral, and 3) feelings that include both physical and emotional feelings.

When using a cognitive or behavioral approach, unless you are able to get permanent change in the person’s feelings, there will be no lasting change in the person’s behavior.


Feelings are the basic controlling factor in all human behavior. When I itch, I scratch. When I am hungry, I go to the icebox. I go to church because if I did not, I would feel guilty, or I do not go because I do feel guilty; I wear certain clothes; I act in specific ways because I fear rejection. If I conform and if I am more like everyone else, then I have more of a chance of being accepted and loved. Or I rebel— I strike out because I am angry or I am afraid that I am not free.

I then let my hair grow and wear strange-looking clothes in an attempt to prove to myself that I am free. But not all my feelings are clear. Some of them are often confused and contradictory; I love, and I hate at the same time, I am angry and yet deeply in love with the person I am angry with. I drive on a mountain road, and I am unaware of experiencing anger, frustration, and loneliness. So, I think about driving off the edge of the cliff to stop the pain. At the same time, The feelings that are contradictory or confusing I do not like, so I deny the feelings that I cannot accept and pretend they do not exist while I listen to the song “Pretend That You Are Happy When You Are Sad.”

I am trained from a very early age to deny what I feel; I am told that what I feel really is not what I feel. I am told, “jump up, that did not hurt. Be brave and smile. Big boys do not cry.” By the time I am grown, I am lucky if I can recognize any of my feelings much less be able to express them.

Women have it no better. They are told, “Nice girls do not get angry.” “Smile! Or, boys will not like you.” Girls often learn to be emotional, and that is okay, but they often have as much of a problem identifying their feelings as do the boys.

Therefore Isaac Rubin, in The Angry Book, points out the problem that occurs when we lose track of awareness of what we are feeling. Ruben puts it this way: “Actually, the greater their awareness – – that is, the closer they are to what they really feel – – the less chance there is to lose control.”

Here is an operational definition of good mental health. First, the ability to know what we feel when we feel it, Second, the freedom to accept what we feel when we feel it, and Third, the skill to express it in acceptable ways.

With this definition, a counselor could now choose any number of therapeutic approaches or therapeutic biases that will aid the client in achieving one or all of these goals.

A good counselor is one who aids the client in becoming aware of what he feels, helps them in accepting what he feels, and helps them discover acceptable means of expressing these feelings. What happens then is that as we come closer and closer to these goals, we begin to experience growth and constructive change in our lives.

Now there is no such thing as complete or absolute good mental health; there is no such thing as a wholly insane or sane person. The most insane person in any institution has some degree of sanity with which he holds himself together. In contrast, the sanest person from time to time under extreme stress will experience periods of “craziness.”

Since we are all dynamic (changing) human beings, we find ourselves constantly moving on a continuum somewhere between sanity and insanity. We do not have the choice of what we feel, but if we are aware of what we feel, we do have the choice of how and when to express these feelings. It is these kinds of options that give us a feeling of stability and well-being.

You can contact Dr. Downing at:
Email: [email protected]
Website: DocDPhD.com